Progress Not Perfection

The past few days have not been the easiest in my life.  I've been faced with some serious demons and my self esteem has taken a serious hit.  I went shopping for work clothes and with my ever expanding hips and thighs I am now a size 6 top and a size 12 pants.  I have officially moved into "pear" shape.  I don't want to look like pear.  Once upon a time I have the sought after hourglass figure that I was quite proud of, and I want it back.  

I spent the evening a few days ago doing some reading on weight loss blogs and weight loss tactics and weight loss apps and weight loss programs.  Do you see a trend here?  I read this one blog, Prior Fat Girl, I'm not a fan of the name but she is a no-nonsense kind of person which I am a fan of.  

She posted these two quotes from “Skinny Bitch“

“Stop being a moron and start getting skinny! If you can’t take one more day of self-loathing, your ready to hear the truth: You cannot keep shoveling the same crap into your mouth every day and expect to loose weight.”

“Junk food will never go away. It becomes more alluring by the minute with laboratory-developed aromas, artificial flavors, chemical food colors, toxic preservatives, and heart-stopping hydrogenated oils. We know these are impossible to resit, but no one ever got skinny on junk food. Use your head. Candy bars, potato chips and ice cream taste like heaven, of course. But they will pitch a tent on your hips and camp out all year long.”

Again I'm not a big fan of the word skinny, because I don't want to be "skinny" but... the message is clear.  If you don't like something?  Change it!  So I did everything I could at that very moment in time.  I opened my first My Fitness Pal account.  Downloaded the app and started learning how to use it.  That was 4 days ago.  So far, I've been using it fairly well.  I'm sure that I am not perfectly accurate with the calorie counts of my home-made stuff but I'm doing the best that I can.  So far I have been "under-budget" on my calories 2 days in a row (an on track to be under budget for a 3rd).  This fits nicely in with my whole, lose weight slowly, baby steps thing, so I am pleased.  

 I am also learning to be much more kind to myself.  Yesterday I was only under budget by 24 calories, but it was also date night and Ian and I went to the movies and I wanted popcorn.  Instead of sharing the large popcorn and getting a big bag of candy, we got a large popcorn and I asked for a small bag and then filled it up and when it was empty... stopped.  Ian ate the rest.  That's okay.  Every day won't be perfect.  

The insulting thing though was today has been the first nice day in weeks and I was really excited to go for a walk with the hubby and then after a morning doing research on the computer I threw my back out... getting off the damn couch.  This is insulting.  I blame the weeks of doing nothing but studying.  Not good for my already sketchy back.  At least I have appointments with my "body-fixers" tomorrow. 

Confessions and Changes

I'm not sure when my last post was, but I know it's been a while.  A long while.  Upon looking it has been over a year.  A lot has changed, but in all honesty most of those changes have been in the past 3 months.

A very brave friend of mine has started a blog and is sharing her battle with a mental illness and I was inspired to share my recent struggles and triumphs.

Lets dive right in and start with the biggest change.  I left my firm.  It was terrifying at first and I had to do a lot of soul searching because there were a lot of people at that firm who had been very good to me and a lot of clients who I didn't want to disappoint.  Yet when it came down to it, I wasn't happy.  I wasn't getting anywhere and I really wasn't making any money.  So I started doing the rounds and thanks to a business coach with a knack for getting to the point, I got connected with some of the most successful women in the Victoria financial world.

I interviewed 4 different firms and decided on one that fit the life I want now and the life I want in the long run.  By Christmas Eve an offer was in my email inbox.  It was exciting, but it also meant I had to take on the unpleasant task of quitting my existing job.  One slightly uncomfortable meeting later, I was free of my firm.

Since January 13 I have been back in study mode and upgrading my licenses.  This is going to be the case for another month or so, then I can get back to my work.  I will say that I've realized how much I really love what I do in the past few months because I am starting to lose my mind.

After I finish with this whole "studying" thing, I get to work harder than I have... ever.  I am excited, nervous, terrified.  I am expected to quadruple my productivity.  Thank god I have one of the cities best business coaches on my side!


On a more personal note: Ian and I are finally moving forward with the whole buying our first home thing.  We are looking at this sweet little condo not that far from where we are now, but we are waiting on making an offer because my wonderful husband is out of town.  We are hopefully going to see it again and make an offer this weekend and this week has been incredibly stressful watching the listing and hoping that another offer doesn't come in!  I keep trying to be zen about the whole thing, you know, "it all happens for a reason" and "if this falls apart something better will come along" but if I'm being super honest... I've already pretty much moved in.


Here is the confessional part of this post.  Yes I left the hard part to the end.  Over the past few years... well pretty much ever since I graduated from high-school my body has been expanding in a way that I'm not very happy about.  I'm pretty sure that my diet hasn't exactly helped things, I have a weak spot for potato chips, french fries and anything else that is starchy and salty.

So here we go...  my weight has ballooned to almost 180 pounds.  Which is a really scary number for me.  Now to give you some perspective, when I was at my physical peak in high-school I weighed around 150.  Thanks to dense bones and muscles I have always been listed in the "overweight" category, but the last few years I've been inching closer and closer to the overweight description being accurate.  It's time that changed.  I'm not delusional though, I know that the coming stress and lack of time is not going to be kind to the process of losing weight.  I also know that it took over 10 years to put this weight on and it's going to take some time to take it off.  My goal is to make healthier choices in regards to my eating habits and how much I move during the day.  Right now, studying all the time this is a challenge.  The first thing I did was join Sole Sisters, which is a running/walking group for women only.  This has been a small step, but a good one.

The other thing that I am struggling with and this is not new, is my desire to be amazing at everything I do.  It's the perfectionist inside screaming to get out.  Every few months I break down about the fact that I can't have a spotless house, successful business with a big income, perfect body and be wife of the century who always has (a healthy) dinner on the table at 6pm sharp.   Yes, I do think this is possible... and put huge pressure on myself to be all those things I mentioned and more.

This has been surprisingly cathartic.  I know I need to be more kind to myself, and I am working on that.